E:motions- accomplished, motivated, resilient
M:ood- 8/10
U:rges- self-harm, promiscuity, binge eat
I am fuckin exhausted today. I wanted to write this morning but my mind was running over speed limit and my foot was pedal to the metal. I think that is the correct saying. Medal? Whatever.
I spent the majority of today dissociated but what is new with that. It really has become my normal. At least I am keeping in wise mind and not acting impulsively and based on my urges. I've said this once and I will say it again. Just because you have an urge to do something doesnt mean you have to listen to that voice telling you to cave in. Stand up to that mother fucker and tell it to fuck off. That is literally what I do. My brain is like "just one gouge wont hurt. Just one taste", but then I look at my brain and roll my eyes and put it in its place. Stop trying to trick me bitch it ain't gonna work. I am stronger than my urges you see. I now have brain control ( remember in Dinner for Schmucks haha That is one of my favorite comedies). I grab it by the spinal chord and twirl it around my head LIKE A HELICOPTOR then i fling it like a rubber band. Your brain is not always right and that is where narcissism emerges.
Got the 15 year old some basketball shoes. Yes I had to drive him and myself to the mall, walk into three different stores two different times and decide which pair is "cool" yet efficient. I remember when I cared about having the best of the best and name brand items. Let me tell all you kids/teens reading- NAME BRAND IS NOT IMPORTANT. It does not define who you are. It does not make you any less of a person if you have basic necessities. Our society is full of parents who fucked up themselves and now try to overcompensate with money. Here is $100 go have fun with it. Oh thanks mom and dad. Only it is probably expected and not appreciated when they receive the money. He found some affordable but yet still "cool". If he is happy I am happy. Now he has shoes to go to basketball camp.
My urges to self harm are becoming bothersome and manipulative. I know I need to stay away from it so instead of cutting, I am going to the casey's across the street, getting reeses fastbreaks and take 5's with a side of dr pepper, honey bbq fritos, popcorn and cheddar and sour cream chips. YES. BINGE EAT. Right before bed. Something that gives me the endorphin rush without having to paint my arms red. I did give into the urge last night. I am stronger than that though. NOT TONIGHT SATAN not tonight.
Hey if you aren't busy you should check out some of my poetry. I think it is great but that is just my opinion. I am the same sarcastic bitch in my poetry that I am in my blog.
Today I also saw my therapist. He probably thinks I am a sick joke after today's session. No, he is actually the ONLY person I fully trust in this world. I need someone to work me through these effed up situations I put myself into, confessing them to you is not enough. Really want to know what we talked about today? Murder. Serial killers. Blood. How I drove my car to a gas station to pick out my prey only to "chicken out" last minute. Oh hey, I want to be infamous. Let me start killing people since I am not good enough to get famous. I dont have a good singing voice. And my social anxiety is too crippling for me to stand on stage and act or behind a camera. Although, I always thought I would make a great actor. Being able to make myself cry and all. God I am pathetic. You probably think I am this giant manipulative demented person. Judging me for my messed up thoughts calling me insane, even though you are thinking the same thing but are too proud and afraid to admit it. Nah, I am in my head too much to be a killer so maybe my biggest downfall is my largest asset. The line between right and wrong swerves a little more left than right over here. It is a wee bit jagged.
Not only did I have a session with my therapist, I saw my psychiatrist today also. HUGE MILESTONE PEOPLE:
This is the first time in almost 5 years I have not had a medication change, switch, taper, cleanse or adjustment of any sort. She said we are going to leave things the way they are. Like cool, I am finally a normal person, if even for only a brief moment. I know better now, I am learning from my mistakes.
It isnt all about medication though (Read Little White Pill by clicking on the blog link at the top of the page). It isnt just about therapy either. Yes it is a balance but there is a third component to getting better and that is radical acceptance of your SELF. You just have to admit that you have made mistakes, name them and learn from them. You are going to be super stagnant if you only do therapy and take medication. I mean, you have to help yourself too. You cant rely on people and things to "fix you".
Tonight I recommend listening to a song that sums up your life. Sing along to it aloud or in your head. Dance to it, cry to it or reminisce on it. When it is over, pull up the lyrics and look at them. Now do the same thing you did the first time but do it again in the mirror. Sing to your soul. Do the lyrics correlate with what you WANT in life. Not where you are but what you desire. I dont think anyone deep down really wishes they were dead if they had a choice to live without pain. I know I would create something magnificent for myself. I want the same for you too. I want you to find a new song. Let go of the attachment to the pain, let go of the lyrics and cling to hope. It is Okay to change. It is okay to change a million times. I am going to listen to "Here" by Alessia Cara. That is about where I am at right now. Last month if you asked me I would have told you "Round Here" by Counting Crows.
I am going to end my night early. I can barely move my fingers. So many spelling errors I am sure.
Love and Rage folks,
LynseyNich
Comments