The people from my childhood deserved better than having me as a superficial friend. I never knew how to be a friend to anyone. It was no excuse for my actions and I am specifically talking to a few of the girls I went to middle school with at Trinity Lutheran. What a moral way to follow Jesus right? To bully girls about their looks because being taught that how you appear is all that matters, doesn't make it okay to tear someone else down. I wasnt by any means the head of the pack. I was part of the popular crowd but only because I played sports and had "nice clothes". Deep down I hated who I appeared to be because it never matched how I actually felt inside. My friends and I would make fun of a girl for not having name brand clothing and I saw how it hurt her. My friend did not and did not care, so she would say these mean things and I would sit back and nod in agreement even though I felt like I was killing someone slowly inside. Wiping out her heart through their ears so she could hear how bad we were hurting her. Make fun of girls for the way they dressed. HA. Those of you who dress however you want are the ones who end up knowing who they are. They see the world for what it is and they don't care how people view them. Abercrombie was a fuckin meet up spot for the rich popular girls from each school. If you were a somebody, you could "afford" to wear the cool clothes. Turns out my family was poor yet buying me clothes that I didn't even see the point of wearing! I wanted to wear gym shorts and a tee shirt everyday but instead it was planted into my brain that I had to fit in and in order to do this I had to wear expensive clothing. Oh naive little child. If only you had the voice to speak up for yourself. It is okay, you will go through a lot of shit but you eventually find your voice and when you do you are going to turn the world around. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL CONFIDENT INTELLIGENT GIRL LYNSEY AND DONT LET ANYONE STOP YOU FROM BELIEVING THAT!
If only right? If only someone said that to me while I was looking into the mirror applying my eyeliner so dark to shadow the reflection on the other end. This is why it is called a smoky eye. Us introverts love to hide behind it. Paint it Black bitches!
You girls at Trinity I bullied, I am so sorry. I was in no means right to stick behind people who made fun of you. I would try to make up for it, or at least my parents would by making me have sleepovers with these girls and to tell you the truth...I didnt even like sleepovers with my friends! Im an awkward shy little bitch who hides behind this facade of a life that she doesnt really have. I dont think I was ever given enough Abercrombie though to cover the scars(emotional) inflicted by the shit I was experiencing in the "real world". I never lived in the real world. To tell you the truth I never felt like I was living.
One girl from middle school one day in a college course spoke 1 phrase to me on the last day of classes. I could not even swallow my pride from my previous life and apologize to her because would she even remember? OF COURSE SHE WOULD REMEMBER YOU IDIOT! Look how bad being bullied fucked you up. But she is not fucked up. Neither am I. We live and we learn . So cliche but we really do just live and learn. Nothing else. We became bestfriends and amended pretty quickly and by the grace of some sun god or something I was sent a guardian angel for a moment.
The bullying only gets worse as you get older. This time it isnt people who are tormenting you about what you have or dont have. This time you are tormenting yourself. You are putting yourself up on the stand on trial in front of a jury all made up of different versions of you. A jury that will find a way to have different opinions on you ON THE SAME FUCKING PROBLEM. Sweet child, please find yourself. Find your voice and speak on it. Dont hold it in like a grudge. The only people you hurt is yourself. You will learn real quick that looks really dont matter in life. They shouldnt and the people they do matter to are jackasses and fuckbutts. Wear the pants. Wear the dress. Wear the polo. Wear the yoga pants. Wear the khakis with socks and sandals, wear the skirt that is a little too short but not short enough where it exposes you, wear nothin! YES NOTHING! not in public but stand in front of a mirror fucking naked and tell yourself how beautiful you are. There is only one of you. Do what you want, wear what you want and love being naked!
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