Mother of pearl I tried so hard to fight my body today. As I told you earlier, I got sick but it lasted throughout the entire day. I'm typing to you right now feeling like a giant sick lump on a log. My writs dont feel like moving and my fingers dont feel like typing. Good news is the wrists have been wound free for about a month now. CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! Thank God for marijuana though. The medicine of the earth : helps with nausea, so i didnt get sick as often, helps with anxiety to leave the house and get the things done that need to be done, and it helps with slowing the world down so I can tolerate it for a brief second. I called UIS and am getting all my papers in order to go back to school. 3 more semesters...LETTGOOO. So that was productive. I also made sure to get some form of exercise in. I did yoga. Fight me all you want it is a mental and physical exercise. So rejuvenating for your mind. My self care for the day was watching a movie before i got back on to use my brain for some sort of good. Got to look at insomnia in a positive way.
So i guess i told you that i would be doing a post on prescription medication. If i am being honest with you i had about 10 different ideas on how i was going to swing this one but i think I am going for a new approach as my mind is ping-ponging back and forth right now and all i hear is the gurgle of my tummy over my own thoughts. Did that make sense? HAHA
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The first time I wrote a short story titled "Little White Pill" I took my audience through a day in the life of the psych ward. I Told you the Little White Pills were supposed to be essential to my mental health. I was manic and the Lamictal was supposed to help with my mood swings and the Ativan with my anxiety. Well the first "EPISODE" i had, shortly after being prescribed the medication, I decided I was feeling better and stopped taking it which led to a spiral of depression and pine sol ingestion. Decided then and there I needed these pills to keep me alive. I needed them to keep me stable. Hense, Lamictal the mood-stabilizer. The Ativan was for the insomnia that i am currently experiencing.The Lamictal didnt last long as a broke out into a rash and the journey of Lynsey and the Medication Resilience. This story I wrote was six years ago and about 53 medication trials ago. The little white pills were gone.
At least one of them. I still needed the ativan to get me through sleepless consecutive nights. But as of recent, the Lamictal has been tossed back into the concoction of adult candies i take every day.
When is enough enough though right? Pharmaceutical companies are making a killing off of the over-medicated poor psych patients because it is all in their head right? Ha, you fool you make me laugh. Some people require medication to keep them at a healthy human psyche. (I'd be glad to draw up a chart sometime and show you what balance in your brain I am talking about) It keeps them alive. We are humans too remember. Not everyone can be as heartless as a few of you.
Although now I am totally addicted to Ativan. Yes the Ativan helps with calming my 140 BPM but it also clouds my judgement. It causes me to dissociate and it keeps me from being active/productive. Also, If i don't take it for just 1 night, my body gets mad at me and I throw up, get the shakes, hot and cold flashes, MiGrAiNeS etc... your typical withdraw symptoms. So HOW CAN A PILL WORK SO BEAUTIFULLY YET BE THE EPITOME OF YOUR DOWNFALL. This is where I have to decide what to do with my body. I make the choice. Can I get through the month from hell cleansing my body from it or do I stick with what my doctor recomends and just go through the motions of life.
Have you experienced a fork in the road like this in life? I don't mean with prescription pills just with anything. What would you chose.
Clearly I am trying to better myself so I compromised. I decided to take them less frequently. Slowly ween myself off them one less dose at a time. Im trying to get through situations now without panicking instantly and reaching to pop another little orange container with the white lid. I don't want my body to hate me for putting it through the hell of detox though because exposing yourself to your fears all at one time would just be terror. Exposure therapy is a slow process.
Pills are only part of the process. The main chunk of happiness you get is from working on "THE SKILLS" which can be found in my DBT workbook. And with that I will end our rendezvous for the evening. I dont want to discuss tomorrows topic. Intro to DBT.
Everyone should learn it if they want things to slow done, bad thoughts to end, or even dealing with emotions.
Love and Rage,
Lyns
*PLEASE DO NOT STOP ANY MEDICATION ABRUPTLY. CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR FIRST*
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