I wish i knew what's going through your mind each time you read a new post in my blog. Today marks 2 weeks from my first post =) My therapist and I talked about how much I am revealing over the internet and my response was this
"What do I have to loose?"
My life maybe but when you want your life to end that bad consequences aren't the first action I think about. It would be like a hall pass! Life giving you free permission to put youself out. God, suicide jokes dont feel as funny when your audience has witnessed and hung around while you have attempted multiple times. I tell you this though, If I refuse to see the humor in my biggest shortcomings and put my fascination with death and darkness into a box and ship it off, I probably would have succeeded the last time.
Death really is beautifully fascinating. The span of life has ended for a living creature and what do we do? We panic. What am I going to do without them! Take me instead (please)! Their internal systems shut down like powering off those robots you see in the movies and all that is left is a lonely chunk of the universe's energy, sitting there patiently until it decides what is would like to cling to next. I guess you might say a form of reincarnation but it is not a soul that begins life over again. It is the energy you were borrowing from the universe to survive something much bigger than the far sides of our imaginations. Flubber looking energy, travels at the speed of light taking on its next form almost instantaneously. Recycled energy! That is one way to look at death is the birth of something reused.
Thinking about energy transferring to a new place is a total feeling of belonging. It makes me feel superior. I am bigger than this body for sure, as all our energies contain different sizes and migrate towards different parts of the brain, giving us our special talents from enhanced brain energy flow. Cool to think about, but you know what else is cool? Zombies, ax murderers, serial killers, mental disorders and manipulation, blood...lots of gory nasty foul blood. Morbidity never scared me. One of the first things I remember wanting to specialize in when i got older was to be a coroner just so i could cut open dead bodies cause obviously i am not going to kill a person just for the gratification. A lifeless entity. A mere shell of our existence. Something borrowed. Shove me as deep down and transfer me into a maggot so i can crawl through my own eye sockets and feed off of what remains of my old self.
I get told I am morbid a lot but hey, we all have our messed up thoughts. I know you have thought about death before. What it would be like or how it would happen. You have probably thought what you would do to get away with a murder. Maybe you have a fear of little kids and you distance yourself from them because of sexual trauma that happened to you as a kid, now you are left with painful intrusive thoughts of touching little kids. Not for pleasure, hell the thought makes you want to knock yourself out I am sure of it. Maybe your thoughts are dirty, nasty, naughty sexual fantasies that you have to hold back so you arent considered a rapist. Everybody has had some abnormal thought before in their lives. Morbid? No, just natural and normal.
I'd love to stick around and chat but the universe is calling my name. Time to feel the one connection I can make out anymore. Hope you all do something fun today. Be creative.
Stay morbid,
Lynsey
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