It seems as though the posts I use detailed mindfulness while sitting at the lake dont do shit for people. HAHA I say this because every post that is
meaningless to you or your entertainment you ignore. Beggars cant be choosers though. Yes I am sitting at the lake again at noon on a Monday. I should
have got a coffee. I need an energy boost for damn sure. The water is completely still this morning and yet i find it peaceful even with the cars driving
by on the highway. The water matches my mood. That is pretty neat.
I hope you read my short story titled "White Halls" last night. That story I actually wrote in a creative writing class and have been tweaking it ever
since. That was about 5 years ago. It also used to be titled "Little White Pill" but I couldnt have 2 blog posts with the same name. My weird
obsession. The story is true for the most part. Some of the names are changed and the diagnosis is. It was not Bipolar I got diagnosed with, rather the
BIG OLE BPD. I just tried to make the story interesting but thats the cool part about my writing. I can say whatever the hell i want and youll eat it up.
Its funny to look back 5 years and think, "All these medication trials and unnecessary procedures and I am back to the Little While Pills they gave me in
the first place". I guess compliance should always be an acompless when it comes to health.
Im contemplating getting that other Torodol shot they prescribed to me. I dont know if I told you or not but over the weekend I ripped my stitches out.
The guilt ate me alive but maybe the pain is my consequence. This pain is not fun. This pain is uncomfortable. I wont get the shot though, I cant always rely
on medicine to fix things.Naproxen will do for now.*Hits the chillum*
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Urges are strong today. Ive thought about the razor 40 times and its only 2:30 so here i am writing out these fuckin urges instead of acting on them. Watching some Indonesian Horror film now. Couldnt even tell you the name but it is background noise for me and it settles me.
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Today is Tuesday June 18th. I did not finish my thoughts from yesterday and to be completely honest I dont even know what I am thinking about today. Im just a functioning robot. I feel disoriented, disconnected and dissociative. The 3 big D's. Nothing to say today. Take care of yourselves and remember tomorrow is a new day. Find something to pass that empty time and when you go to sleep, wake up after about 8 hours and start a brand new day. Throw yesterday into yesterday. You don't need it. You need today. This moment. Urges are strong, my mind is stronger. Love and Rage people,
Lyns
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