You almost lost me this weekend. Not intentionally but I mean I almost gave up on this dream I have of changing the direction of mental health. I lost purpose of what I was trying to accomplish and I let down my inhibitions a bit. In other words... I made bad decisions again this weekend.
The choices I chose to make were impulsive and compulsive. I had been feeling grief. I missed my DOC and this weekend relapse came to visit again. After two months of ditching her from my life, there she was at my door holding out the razor towards me. With a big ole grin on her face. I told her to leave that she wasn't welcomed at my door anymore but she didn't even budge. She was adamant that she wanted to get through and she wanted it at that very moment. I tried to ignore her but she just kept knocking, then she pounded then her voice would echo through my door frame over an intercom throughout my whole body. I tried to bargain with her, telling her that if she left this time I would have dinner with her later, only to purge it back into her lap. She told me that that wasn't good enough this time. She said I need to stop trying to push her away and I just needed to be happy I was being taken care of emotionally. I didn't like that so I pushed those emotions over the edge and shoved them back down her throat. She pushed back and I fell flat on my ass on the bathroom floor for her. She wasn't leaving until she had me back where she wanted me. Back where I couldn't escape.
I fell victim to myself this past weekend. No mother suicide did not flood my thoughts and no father depression didnt visit. Just bitchy relapse herself. Just when things are stable and going well, there she is to FUCK IT ALL UP . What a jealous whore. I mean could the bitch be anymore demanding? Things are going great...LETS BURN THIS MOTHER FUCKER TO THE GROUND. Im conspired upon. All the time.
But this isn't anybody's problem but my own. Whats another 5 stitches right? What is another scar right? What is another 2 week loss of feeling in my thumb and pinky finger? Whats another vein cut through...I got plenty more. Whats another ER copay, another follow up copay and another pain management visitation of looking like a drug seeker. Jokes on you though, Im allergic to the "good stuff". This is all too exhausting. I keep telling myself that I've had enough that I don't like the shame after I do it, that I don't like the way my confidence falls, the story I have to come up with to people. I HATE THAT I KEEP DOING THIS. Have you ever judged a cutter? Attention seeking? Cry for help? Dramatic? Crazy? Suicidal? You never thought that could be an addiction. Just like the extra money you take out to gamble with on friday nights, or that extra beer or shot you have because it has been a long day, the extra hours you pick up so you dont have to spend another second at home in a house you can't tolerate, The extra helping of pasta or the extra piece of cake, the 6th soda of the day, the 4th cup of coffee, the ativan that relaxes your nerves, the video game that takes you away, the weed that lifts you into another dimension, the sex you just had with WHATS HER NAME??, the weights you just lifted to get rid of that excess arm fat or that run you just took to cut out a meal, the porn you just watched that tickled your balls or flicked your bean, the house you just cleaned for the third time in one day, the book you just finished in 12 hours and skipped 3 meals for...
I'm sick of people looking at like I am the fucked up one when in reality we all have our downfalls. One addiction is not worse or better than another. If it negatively impacts any aspect of your daily functioning than its an addiction. PERIOD.
I made a mistake again. I can let this hold me in contempt of court until I finally am able to judge myself and let myself go or I can tell myself I messed up. I know better next time.
When Relapse comes knocking on my door again, I'm just gonna make her jealous with stability.
Love and Rage,
Lynsey
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